Two Steps Forward One Step Back

I am so weak today. Could be all in my head. How should I know. At this point I don't know what is real and what is made up in my head. I feel weak. But could it be that I'm just sad I can't eat. I had a very healthy steak salad for lunch. I shouldn't be hungry. So I have to assume I'm making it up in my head and I'm making myself feel this way. I've read that what we think about we become. I've read and been told whatever we think about we make happen. Our thoughts are very powerful. Ok I believe that but my question is how do I change the way I think? So much easier said then done.

I am very sad today. I think I'm mourning the fact that I can no longer use food the way I used to. It makes me so sad I feel like crying. But here's the deal....I don't cry!! So now what? I have to learn to cry? Well that just sucks. More pain, more growth. When will it end?

I went out to eat twice this weekend. Friday night with my husband and Saturday night with some girl friends. Both were hard. Hard in the sense that it took a lot of willpower to not eat badly. Friday night was easier because it was just me and Chris. Saturday was harder because it was more of a party atmoshere. I ate well. I wasn't deprived of taste or variety. But here's the deal....I was coveting everyone's plates. I couldn't keep my eyes off their food. That is so messed up in my opinion. I know I shouldn't be so hard on myself. I know I should have compassion for myself. I know I should be kind.

It's just hard.

I come from a "stop complaining, buck up" family mentality. No crying no showing weakness. So when I start to feel weak or vulnerable I get anxious and scared and defensive then I get angry and arrogant and pissed off and I lash out. I'm stuck in a rock and hard place. I want to move past this but I don't know how. Or if I do know how I'm to skeptical to believe it will work. Basically it comes down to a lack of faith. Where is my faith? Why do I choose to live in fear? I am ready to move on I am ready to live in faith.

It feels like the last half of this HCG diet is going to be painfully hard for me. It feels like it will never end. It feels like I am going to have to deal with and experience feelings I'm not comfortable with. It feels like I am going to break in half and fall apart. I DON'T LIKE THIS FEELING!!!

I choose to continue. I choose to grow. I choose to feel my feelings. I choose to believe that God will carry me through.

I choose LOVE.