First Social Event

This weekend I'm heading up to the lake with Chris and 3 other couples. My very good dear friends and their significant others. I am so excited to get away and relax and hang out.

Here's the kicker.....in the past these trips are a free for all food frenzy. I eat with complete abandon and I eat whatever I want. I mean I'm on vacation right? I keep going back and forth in my head....yes I can eat whatever I want this once to No I have to stay on the plan. I feel like on the plan I can't have any fun. You see for me food is fun. Food is a good time. Food means party.

The longer I'm on this diet the more and more I realize how food has played a part in feeling my feelings or rather not feeling my feelings. It's so cunning baffling and powerful for me.  I'm not consciounsly saying oh I'll have a brownie so I don't feel sad or angry or tired. I just eat and feel good. Or even I don't feel good I don't know what I feel after I eat. I guess I'm just not feeling anything at all. On this diet I've had to sit in yucky feelings and I don't like it one bit. I get very agitated and lash out. I'm a raving lunatic and very moody and bitchy. It's really not fun to be around. I blame everyone else and everything else for causing me to be so irritable but what I'm realizing is that it's because I am actually feeling an emotion and not numbing it with food and it's uncomfortable down right painful even.

Crazy part is that when I used food in the past to escape it was a very short lived trip because as soon as I stopped stuffing my face or even while I was stuffing my face I was mad at myself for what I'd done and I would beat myself up for once again eating like a crazy person. What good would that do? It even hurt me more because now not only do I feel bad or shameful, now I've gained weight. It's a vicious circle.

Food addiction is a very hard addiction to overcome. We need food to survive so 100% abstinence is not an option. I have to learn to be friends with food and eat healthy. It makes me sad to think that I can't over indulge like I want to like I used to. Indulging is fun. Being reckless is fun. These thoughts are still very strong. I know logically that I can have fun without abusing food but it's really hard to truly deep down believe it.

I keep leaning on God and asking God to help me just for today.