So I feel remarkably well after last nights "slip." I call it a "slip" for lack of a better word. Sounds like I did something wrong. But did I? The more I learn about myself the more I learn "One Size Does Not Fit All" what works for me may not work for you and that's ok. That's ok.
I went until about 1 o'clock today without eating. I didn't do it on purpose. I wasn't hungry at breakfast and I ran out of the house without eating. I had lunch plans with a friend but they were canceled. I did everything in my power to set up other plans because I LOVE going out to eat and it's Friday and it was gorgeous outside. But to my dissappointment no one was able to meet me for lunch and I mean no one. I didn't want to have lunch with just anyone I wanted to have lunch with someone I would enjoy being with and I couldn't find anyone. Is that odd or was it God? Was God doing for me what I can not do for myself? I plan everything around eating. I love eating. Was I supposed to sit with myself today and not eat? I mean not go out and eat? Because let me tell you I have on many occasions gone out to eat by myself just because I want to go out to eat. I don't want to eat at home. How boring is that? Well how boring it is to me anyway. But I did come home and I did eat lunch and it was fine. I didn't die.
I struggled with eating lunch however because I didn't feel hungry. I spoke with a few trusted "advisors" I'll call them and all said the same thing. You need to eat. I came to the realization today that I like to starve myelf before I eat. Well before I eat "out" anyway. If I know I'm going out to eat then I don't want to eat until I go out so that I can eat anything I want without guilt. That is not normal I am coming to realize. I think I do that because in my mind I think what I am going to eat is bad for me and I have to restrict before I eat what is "bad". But here's the other thing I'm learning, when I lable food as either good or bad then I feel guilty when I eat the so called bad food. That is just plain crazy talk. I don't like to ruin my appitite so to speak. That is something I learned growing up. If I want to eat then I can't eat before I eat. Round and round we go where I stop nobody knows. If I just listened to my body I could eat whenever I wanted, right. If I'm hungry I eat if I'm full I stop. But if I eat before I go out to eat then I can't eat because I won't be hungry but I'll want to eat because I'm out so I know I would over eat and be very full. Rereading that just made me crazy. OMG!!
Someone reccommend yet another book callled Intuitive Eating. I read a little bit today and find it very interesting. What I learned is that I have a very messed up idea of what healthy eating looks like. I either restrict or I binge. I don't really know when I'm hungry or when I'm satiated. I don't know what normal is. I'm so used to either feeling empty or feeling full. I'm confused with how I am supposed to feel after I eat. The basis of the book is to teach you how to learn to eat when you're hungry and stop when you're full. To not use food to avoid feeling your feelings. There are 10 principals (kind of like the 12 steps of recovery) to follow and all of them make sense to me but they are scary to even consider. The book says that you may gain weight learning how to eat intuitively because you will make mistakes until you learn how to eat in a healthy manner. Gain weight? What? Isn't that what I'm trying not to do. Scary for sure.
Writing all this down is helping me process everything. It's not solving my food issue but it is definitely helping.
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