Yesterday (Saturday) was hard. I made it through without a binge or slip but it was very hard. Chris was on a camping trip with Jack. It was a gorgeous day. I was itching for something, anything. You see I am always itching to escape. Escape reality no matter if it's a good or bad reality. I just always want more. More Fun More Excitement More More More!!
But yesterday I just dealt with my wanting more one second at a time. I was totally aware of what I was thinking and doing. I took Jack to an exotic bird show with his class. Later I met Chris at the camping site and switched kids with him. I went to the grocery store in preparation for the Origami Owl party I'm hosting today then came home and planted flowers. After all that activity I was bored. I mean come on shouldn't I be entertained at ALL times? Of course the answer is no but that is a hard pill for me to swollow.
I was having a hard time deciding what was for dinner. You see in the past when I was alone with the kids I would take them out to a fun restaurant really any restaurant. But I couldn't think of one to go to that wasn't going to be a trigger for me. We usually go to Mexican but I didn't want to do that. Plus I didn't want to spend the money. So I pulled something together with left overs and I ate very well. Afterwards I had a decaf which is my sweet treat these days. I had two. I was itching for something. What? What? Of course I thought is was for food. But I know food is NEVER the answer especially right after I've had dinner. I'm not hungry.
It was a struggle to not go back into the kitchen and get something. Especially when my kids are having dessert and before bedtime snacks. But I survived.
I chewed gum and drank water and went to bed right after the kids went to bed. I made it through another night. I know it will get easier the further I get away from eating when I'm not hungry or eating for emotional support.
One Day at A Time.
One Night at A Time.
Sunday, September 29, 2013
Friday, September 27, 2013
More Awareness More Questions
So I feel remarkably well after last nights "slip." I call it a "slip" for lack of a better word. Sounds like I did something wrong. But did I? The more I learn about myself the more I learn "One Size Does Not Fit All" what works for me may not work for you and that's ok. That's ok.
I went until about 1 o'clock today without eating. I didn't do it on purpose. I wasn't hungry at breakfast and I ran out of the house without eating. I had lunch plans with a friend but they were canceled. I did everything in my power to set up other plans because I LOVE going out to eat and it's Friday and it was gorgeous outside. But to my dissappointment no one was able to meet me for lunch and I mean no one. I didn't want to have lunch with just anyone I wanted to have lunch with someone I would enjoy being with and I couldn't find anyone. Is that odd or was it God? Was God doing for me what I can not do for myself? I plan everything around eating. I love eating. Was I supposed to sit with myself today and not eat? I mean not go out and eat? Because let me tell you I have on many occasions gone out to eat by myself just because I want to go out to eat. I don't want to eat at home. How boring is that? Well how boring it is to me anyway. But I did come home and I did eat lunch and it was fine. I didn't die.
I struggled with eating lunch however because I didn't feel hungry. I spoke with a few trusted "advisors" I'll call them and all said the same thing. You need to eat. I came to the realization today that I like to starve myelf before I eat. Well before I eat "out" anyway. If I know I'm going out to eat then I don't want to eat until I go out so that I can eat anything I want without guilt. That is not normal I am coming to realize. I think I do that because in my mind I think what I am going to eat is bad for me and I have to restrict before I eat what is "bad". But here's the other thing I'm learning, when I lable food as either good or bad then I feel guilty when I eat the so called bad food. That is just plain crazy talk. I don't like to ruin my appitite so to speak. That is something I learned growing up. If I want to eat then I can't eat before I eat. Round and round we go where I stop nobody knows. If I just listened to my body I could eat whenever I wanted, right. If I'm hungry I eat if I'm full I stop. But if I eat before I go out to eat then I can't eat because I won't be hungry but I'll want to eat because I'm out so I know I would over eat and be very full. Rereading that just made me crazy. OMG!!
Someone reccommend yet another book callled Intuitive Eating. I read a little bit today and find it very interesting. What I learned is that I have a very messed up idea of what healthy eating looks like. I either restrict or I binge. I don't really know when I'm hungry or when I'm satiated. I don't know what normal is. I'm so used to either feeling empty or feeling full. I'm confused with how I am supposed to feel after I eat. The basis of the book is to teach you how to learn to eat when you're hungry and stop when you're full. To not use food to avoid feeling your feelings. There are 10 principals (kind of like the 12 steps of recovery) to follow and all of them make sense to me but they are scary to even consider. The book says that you may gain weight learning how to eat intuitively because you will make mistakes until you learn how to eat in a healthy manner. Gain weight? What? Isn't that what I'm trying not to do. Scary for sure.
Writing all this down is helping me process everything. It's not solving my food issue but it is definitely helping.
I went until about 1 o'clock today without eating. I didn't do it on purpose. I wasn't hungry at breakfast and I ran out of the house without eating. I had lunch plans with a friend but they were canceled. I did everything in my power to set up other plans because I LOVE going out to eat and it's Friday and it was gorgeous outside. But to my dissappointment no one was able to meet me for lunch and I mean no one. I didn't want to have lunch with just anyone I wanted to have lunch with someone I would enjoy being with and I couldn't find anyone. Is that odd or was it God? Was God doing for me what I can not do for myself? I plan everything around eating. I love eating. Was I supposed to sit with myself today and not eat? I mean not go out and eat? Because let me tell you I have on many occasions gone out to eat by myself just because I want to go out to eat. I don't want to eat at home. How boring is that? Well how boring it is to me anyway. But I did come home and I did eat lunch and it was fine. I didn't die.
I struggled with eating lunch however because I didn't feel hungry. I spoke with a few trusted "advisors" I'll call them and all said the same thing. You need to eat. I came to the realization today that I like to starve myelf before I eat. Well before I eat "out" anyway. If I know I'm going out to eat then I don't want to eat until I go out so that I can eat anything I want without guilt. That is not normal I am coming to realize. I think I do that because in my mind I think what I am going to eat is bad for me and I have to restrict before I eat what is "bad". But here's the other thing I'm learning, when I lable food as either good or bad then I feel guilty when I eat the so called bad food. That is just plain crazy talk. I don't like to ruin my appitite so to speak. That is something I learned growing up. If I want to eat then I can't eat before I eat. Round and round we go where I stop nobody knows. If I just listened to my body I could eat whenever I wanted, right. If I'm hungry I eat if I'm full I stop. But if I eat before I go out to eat then I can't eat because I won't be hungry but I'll want to eat because I'm out so I know I would over eat and be very full. Rereading that just made me crazy. OMG!!
Someone reccommend yet another book callled Intuitive Eating. I read a little bit today and find it very interesting. What I learned is that I have a very messed up idea of what healthy eating looks like. I either restrict or I binge. I don't really know when I'm hungry or when I'm satiated. I don't know what normal is. I'm so used to either feeling empty or feeling full. I'm confused with how I am supposed to feel after I eat. The basis of the book is to teach you how to learn to eat when you're hungry and stop when you're full. To not use food to avoid feeling your feelings. There are 10 principals (kind of like the 12 steps of recovery) to follow and all of them make sense to me but they are scary to even consider. The book says that you may gain weight learning how to eat intuitively because you will make mistakes until you learn how to eat in a healthy manner. Gain weight? What? Isn't that what I'm trying not to do. Scary for sure.
Writing all this down is helping me process everything. It's not solving my food issue but it is definitely helping.
Thursday, September 26, 2013
What Just Happened?
Cunning, baffeling, and powerful.
I had a great day eating until I got home with the kids from after school activities. I had tennis today and didn't eat any of the food there except some carrots. For lunch I ate grilled chicken and roasted okra. I had two hard boiled eggs for breakfast. I had some corn nuts for a snack. I was NOT hungry.
I picked up Chick-Fil-A for the kids. I coudn't resist the waffle fries and ate both Josh and Jack's leftovers. Probably one serving size in all. I also ate a kale salad with chicken and some crackers. Plus some roasted okra. After Carmen got home and ate her dinner I ate her left over chicken sandwich about 1/4 and some fries. I was itching for something else. I just couldn't stop thinking about eating something sweet. Oh and I had some spoonfuls of almond butter after my dinner.
Well I just couldn't let it go. I decided to have just "one" spoonful of Nutella. Right, just one. I read the serving size I knew the calorie count. One spoonful wouldn't hurt. Holy shit!! There is not such a thing as one spoonful of Nutella when it comes to me. I proceeded to have 5 spoonfuls each time putting the lid back on and putting it back in the cupboard. What in the hell? I just couldn't stop. Finally I'd had enough of the insane behavior and I threw it away in the garage trash can so I couldn't get to it again. Oh My!!
I felt sick. Both physically and mentally. I'm mad. How could I let that happen? What exactly did happen? Was it the waffle fries that set up the craving? Was it that I haven't had sugar like that in over 30 days? Did I feel deprived? Was I tired? Bored? What?
Doesn't matter what it was. All that matters is that I don't beat myself up over it. I can start over at anytime and not do it again. At least not tonight. I feel hungover. I'm exhausted. I'm going to bed. Good Night.
I had a great day eating until I got home with the kids from after school activities. I had tennis today and didn't eat any of the food there except some carrots. For lunch I ate grilled chicken and roasted okra. I had two hard boiled eggs for breakfast. I had some corn nuts for a snack. I was NOT hungry.
I picked up Chick-Fil-A for the kids. I coudn't resist the waffle fries and ate both Josh and Jack's leftovers. Probably one serving size in all. I also ate a kale salad with chicken and some crackers. Plus some roasted okra. After Carmen got home and ate her dinner I ate her left over chicken sandwich about 1/4 and some fries. I was itching for something else. I just couldn't stop thinking about eating something sweet. Oh and I had some spoonfuls of almond butter after my dinner.
Well I just couldn't let it go. I decided to have just "one" spoonful of Nutella. Right, just one. I read the serving size I knew the calorie count. One spoonful wouldn't hurt. Holy shit!! There is not such a thing as one spoonful of Nutella when it comes to me. I proceeded to have 5 spoonfuls each time putting the lid back on and putting it back in the cupboard. What in the hell? I just couldn't stop. Finally I'd had enough of the insane behavior and I threw it away in the garage trash can so I couldn't get to it again. Oh My!!
I felt sick. Both physically and mentally. I'm mad. How could I let that happen? What exactly did happen? Was it the waffle fries that set up the craving? Was it that I haven't had sugar like that in over 30 days? Did I feel deprived? Was I tired? Bored? What?
Doesn't matter what it was. All that matters is that I don't beat myself up over it. I can start over at anytime and not do it again. At least not tonight. I feel hungover. I'm exhausted. I'm going to bed. Good Night.
Tuesday, September 24, 2013
Finding My Way
So now what? The HCG diet officially ended for me last Friday. We went to the lake with friends and it was such a different experience than other times. We actually ate healthy. Moderately healthy anyway. I really don't even know what healthy is. I tend to be very strict when it comes to being healthy which really isn't a healthy mind set at all. I didn't eat any sweets (well except for a few bites of Amish peanut butter - I won't even tell you what's in it). I did eat mindlessly some of the time. It's all so confusing to me.
I really am trying to be kind to myself when it comes to understanding how I relate to food and what causes me to over eat or abuse food. It really is One Day At A Time at this point. Now that I'm not restricted on how many calories I can eat (only 500 on the HCG diet) I'm lost as to what to eat. I do much better when I have a set plan. I can succeed on a set plan. But a set plan at least one as strict as HCG can't be maintained for a long period of time. I need to learn how to listen to my body and eat when I'm hungry and NOT when I'm not hungry.
Ok so all that being said I am trying something new. I mean you didn't think I wouldn't be trying something new did you? I am always trying something new. I'm finding my way.
So my sister Laura is a physical therapist and she was here a few weeks ago and looked amazing. She is following this FASTing philosophy where she fasts for 24 hours once a week. She said it made all the difference in her losing the last stubborn 15 lbs. So Chris and I decided to try it. It's based on a book called EatStopEat by Brad Pilon. It's an ebook. We fasted from dinner Sunday night to dinner Monday night. And I must say it was much easier than I thought it would be. Laura said it was easy because it was new and I was excited to try it. Fine by me. So we'll do it again next week. It's only once a week.
I'm reading another ebook I found while reading EatStopEat called the AnythingGoesDiet. The premise is that you shouldn't label foods as "good" or "bad". When we do this it just causes us to over eat those foods we've labeled as "bad". One exercise in the book was to make 3 lists which I did as follows:
List 1 - Hot Button Foods - These are foods that I find impossible to eat just one.
Nutella
Pizza
French Fries
List 2 - "Can" do Without - These are foods or situations I can do without
Cereal at night
Sweets at night
List 3 - "Can't" do Without - These are foods or situations I can't do without
Coffee with cream
Gum
Eating out with friends
So basically the concept is that if you can stay within these guidelines and within your calorie intake for your weight and height you should be able to lose weight without giving up the foods you love. Interesting concept that I am willing to try. There is a lot more information in the book but this is what I've taken away so far. More to come as I finish the book.
The obsession I have with food hasn't been lifted (I think about food all the time) but I have been able to not binge in over 30 days. That's huge for a person like me. As I continue on this journey I hope it gets better and that my relationship with food normalizes.
I really am trying to be kind to myself when it comes to understanding how I relate to food and what causes me to over eat or abuse food. It really is One Day At A Time at this point. Now that I'm not restricted on how many calories I can eat (only 500 on the HCG diet) I'm lost as to what to eat. I do much better when I have a set plan. I can succeed on a set plan. But a set plan at least one as strict as HCG can't be maintained for a long period of time. I need to learn how to listen to my body and eat when I'm hungry and NOT when I'm not hungry.
Ok so all that being said I am trying something new. I mean you didn't think I wouldn't be trying something new did you? I am always trying something new. I'm finding my way.
So my sister Laura is a physical therapist and she was here a few weeks ago and looked amazing. She is following this FASTing philosophy where she fasts for 24 hours once a week. She said it made all the difference in her losing the last stubborn 15 lbs. So Chris and I decided to try it. It's based on a book called EatStopEat by Brad Pilon. It's an ebook. We fasted from dinner Sunday night to dinner Monday night. And I must say it was much easier than I thought it would be. Laura said it was easy because it was new and I was excited to try it. Fine by me. So we'll do it again next week. It's only once a week.
I'm reading another ebook I found while reading EatStopEat called the AnythingGoesDiet. The premise is that you shouldn't label foods as "good" or "bad". When we do this it just causes us to over eat those foods we've labeled as "bad". One exercise in the book was to make 3 lists which I did as follows:
List 1 - Hot Button Foods - These are foods that I find impossible to eat just one.
Nutella
Pizza
French Fries
List 2 - "Can" do Without - These are foods or situations I can do without
Cereal at night
Sweets at night
List 3 - "Can't" do Without - These are foods or situations I can't do without
Coffee with cream
Gum
Eating out with friends
So basically the concept is that if you can stay within these guidelines and within your calorie intake for your weight and height you should be able to lose weight without giving up the foods you love. Interesting concept that I am willing to try. There is a lot more information in the book but this is what I've taken away so far. More to come as I finish the book.
The obsession I have with food hasn't been lifted (I think about food all the time) but I have been able to not binge in over 30 days. That's huge for a person like me. As I continue on this journey I hope it gets better and that my relationship with food normalizes.
Saturday, September 21, 2013
New Territory
I can't believe it's been 30 days since we started the HCG diet. I lost a total of 13 lbs. I haven't been this size in a very long time. I am happy with how I look and feel.
I am very nervous about gaining the weight back and losing everything I've worked so hard to attain. But mostly I'm afraid of abusing food. I want to be present and feel my feelings and I don't want to run and hide behind food. The problem for me is that I don't always know I'm doing it. I really need to practice being present and listening to my body and how I feel.
I'm at the lake with Chris and 3 other couples. Usually at the lake we eat very poorly. We eat lots of chocolate and other fattening foods. This time we are being healthy or healthier then in the past. Yesterday I over ate. I ate good food but I still ate to much. It freaked me out a little. I went to bed not happy with the way I felt or how I ate. I felt very full. My tummy hurt. I'm sure I over ate. I'm trying hard not to beat myself up. This is a learning process.
This morning I had coffee and went of a mountain bike ride with Chris. It was fun. It was in the rain. Afterwards we got in the hot tub. I hadn't eaten and I didn't know what to eat. It's hard for me when I'm not following a specific eating plan. Left to my own devices I'm unsure of what to do. I don't turst myself to make good choices. I am learning to trust my choices. One Day At A Time.
I am very nervous about gaining the weight back and losing everything I've worked so hard to attain. But mostly I'm afraid of abusing food. I want to be present and feel my feelings and I don't want to run and hide behind food. The problem for me is that I don't always know I'm doing it. I really need to practice being present and listening to my body and how I feel.
I'm at the lake with Chris and 3 other couples. Usually at the lake we eat very poorly. We eat lots of chocolate and other fattening foods. This time we are being healthy or healthier then in the past. Yesterday I over ate. I ate good food but I still ate to much. It freaked me out a little. I went to bed not happy with the way I felt or how I ate. I felt very full. My tummy hurt. I'm sure I over ate. I'm trying hard not to beat myself up. This is a learning process.
This morning I had coffee and went of a mountain bike ride with Chris. It was fun. It was in the rain. Afterwards we got in the hot tub. I hadn't eaten and I didn't know what to eat. It's hard for me when I'm not following a specific eating plan. Left to my own devices I'm unsure of what to do. I don't turst myself to make good choices. I am learning to trust my choices. One Day At A Time.
Thursday, September 19, 2013
First Social Event
This weekend I'm heading up to the lake with Chris and 3 other couples. My very good dear friends and their significant others. I am so excited to get away and relax and hang out.
Here's the kicker.....in the past these trips are a free for all food frenzy. I eat with complete abandon and I eat whatever I want. I mean I'm on vacation right? I keep going back and forth in my head....yes I can eat whatever I want this once to No I have to stay on the plan. I feel like on the plan I can't have any fun. You see for me food is fun. Food is a good time. Food means party.
The longer I'm on this diet the more and more I realize how food has played a part in feeling my feelings or rather not feeling my feelings. It's so cunning baffling and powerful for me. I'm not consciounsly saying oh I'll have a brownie so I don't feel sad or angry or tired. I just eat and feel good. Or even I don't feel good I don't know what I feel after I eat. I guess I'm just not feeling anything at all. On this diet I've had to sit in yucky feelings and I don't like it one bit. I get very agitated and lash out. I'm a raving lunatic and very moody and bitchy. It's really not fun to be around. I blame everyone else and everything else for causing me to be so irritable but what I'm realizing is that it's because I am actually feeling an emotion and not numbing it with food and it's uncomfortable down right painful even.
Crazy part is that when I used food in the past to escape it was a very short lived trip because as soon as I stopped stuffing my face or even while I was stuffing my face I was mad at myself for what I'd done and I would beat myself up for once again eating like a crazy person. What good would that do? It even hurt me more because now not only do I feel bad or shameful, now I've gained weight. It's a vicious circle.
Food addiction is a very hard addiction to overcome. We need food to survive so 100% abstinence is not an option. I have to learn to be friends with food and eat healthy. It makes me sad to think that I can't over indulge like I want to like I used to. Indulging is fun. Being reckless is fun. These thoughts are still very strong. I know logically that I can have fun without abusing food but it's really hard to truly deep down believe it.
I keep leaning on God and asking God to help me just for today.
Here's the kicker.....in the past these trips are a free for all food frenzy. I eat with complete abandon and I eat whatever I want. I mean I'm on vacation right? I keep going back and forth in my head....yes I can eat whatever I want this once to No I have to stay on the plan. I feel like on the plan I can't have any fun. You see for me food is fun. Food is a good time. Food means party.
The longer I'm on this diet the more and more I realize how food has played a part in feeling my feelings or rather not feeling my feelings. It's so cunning baffling and powerful for me. I'm not consciounsly saying oh I'll have a brownie so I don't feel sad or angry or tired. I just eat and feel good. Or even I don't feel good I don't know what I feel after I eat. I guess I'm just not feeling anything at all. On this diet I've had to sit in yucky feelings and I don't like it one bit. I get very agitated and lash out. I'm a raving lunatic and very moody and bitchy. It's really not fun to be around. I blame everyone else and everything else for causing me to be so irritable but what I'm realizing is that it's because I am actually feeling an emotion and not numbing it with food and it's uncomfortable down right painful even.
Crazy part is that when I used food in the past to escape it was a very short lived trip because as soon as I stopped stuffing my face or even while I was stuffing my face I was mad at myself for what I'd done and I would beat myself up for once again eating like a crazy person. What good would that do? It even hurt me more because now not only do I feel bad or shameful, now I've gained weight. It's a vicious circle.
Food addiction is a very hard addiction to overcome. We need food to survive so 100% abstinence is not an option. I have to learn to be friends with food and eat healthy. It makes me sad to think that I can't over indulge like I want to like I used to. Indulging is fun. Being reckless is fun. These thoughts are still very strong. I know logically that I can have fun without abusing food but it's really hard to truly deep down believe it.
I keep leaning on God and asking God to help me just for today.
Wednesday, September 18, 2013
Now What?
Today is Wednesday, September 18, 2013. Day 28 of the HCG diet. Only two more days of this crazy radical weight loss regimen. I weighed 128.5 today. According to Nick and Chris our scale is roughly 2 lbs heavy so I guess that makes me 126.5 lbs. Well that makes me happy. I've been at the same weight now for a few days. I also haven't been following the 500 strict diet. I've been eating very low cal but not 500. I don't really need to lose anymore weight. Losing weight has never been my problem it's keeping it off that is the challenge for me. So when this whole thing is over in two days then WHAT?
I won't lie I'm scared of gaining the weight back. I'm scared of abusing food. I'm scared of being so week that I give in to the mental obession and eat poorly. A slip is ok but I don't usually slip, I crash and burn. My fear is that I binge and can't find my way back.
I've learned a lot about my obession with food and my weight and my body image on this journey but what good is all that knowledge if I don't practice what I've learned. Maybe I'm fooling myself to think that one day I will be free of the obsession. Am I crazy to dream that one day I won't think about food 24/7. I'm not kidding when I say I think about food all the time. I think about eating it, I think about you eating it. I think about how it sucks that I can't just eat what I want. I think about why you can eat what you want? It's majorly messed up how much I think about food. I don't want this to consume me for the rest of my life. I know everyone thinks about food we have to inorder to know what we're going to eat at our next meal. So I have to believe that there is a way to have a healthy relationship with food. What that looks and feels like I don't know yet.
I'm working my way toward healthy eating. One day at a time. One meal at a time. This will be a lifelong journey for me.
I won't lie I'm scared of gaining the weight back. I'm scared of abusing food. I'm scared of being so week that I give in to the mental obession and eat poorly. A slip is ok but I don't usually slip, I crash and burn. My fear is that I binge and can't find my way back.
I've learned a lot about my obession with food and my weight and my body image on this journey but what good is all that knowledge if I don't practice what I've learned. Maybe I'm fooling myself to think that one day I will be free of the obsession. Am I crazy to dream that one day I won't think about food 24/7. I'm not kidding when I say I think about food all the time. I think about eating it, I think about you eating it. I think about how it sucks that I can't just eat what I want. I think about why you can eat what you want? It's majorly messed up how much I think about food. I don't want this to consume me for the rest of my life. I know everyone thinks about food we have to inorder to know what we're going to eat at our next meal. So I have to believe that there is a way to have a healthy relationship with food. What that looks and feels like I don't know yet.
I'm working my way toward healthy eating. One day at a time. One meal at a time. This will be a lifelong journey for me.
Monday, September 16, 2013
How Much Longer?
Some days are easier than others. On some days I think "I've got this!" and other days I'm like "Will this ever end, this is torture!"
Today is the latter. It seems like I've been depriving myself FOREVER! I know it's only been 25 days since starting this HCG diet but it just goes on and on. I am so over it. BUT then again I'm losing weight and that makes me happy.
What I really truly want is to be free from obsessing about food all the time, to be able to eat sensibly, to be healthy, AND look GOOD. Is that too much to ask?
Just when I think I've got a handle on this food situation I fall back into "this is to hard." I know the answer is GOD it's always GOD. I wish I was more patient to wait on God's timing. Seems like I've been asking God for help forever. I guess that's the point, huh? To always need God. Hmmmm, I've got to chill out.
Life is hard without food. Or I should say coping with life is hard when I'm not using food to medicate my feelings of being overwhelmed. Or my feelings of anxiety frustration anger. It's just too much.
I've got one more week on this HCG diet then it's back to eating normally without the strict boundaries. I'm scared of what that will be like. In the past, I have never been able to control my food intake for very long. I can do it for a while but then I crash and burn. I don't want to do that this time. I'm going to have to lean on God more than ever and ask for help.
Last night I ate normally when I took my sister Laura to the airport. We had a nice dinner at a restaurant. I didn't not eat within the HCG boundaries but I also didn't over eat. I was extremely full but I think it's because I'm not used to eating a normal meal since I've been limiting my calorie intake on HCG. I really want to be able to eat normally (whatever that means).
It's Monday. Start of a new week. Here we go.
Thursday, September 12, 2013
Ignore the Number
I'm am on a high right now and I'm sure it's partly because of the number on the scale. And I know better than to let that number determine my mood. But it still does. One day hopefully it won't matter what the scale says and my happiness/mood will all depend on how I feel physically instead of how I look. I'm learning throughout this whole journey to stop judging myself and to stop being so critical. Geez I'm human, right?
So let's see, on Tuesday I was up a 1/2 pound and you would have thought I had gained a ton of weight. It pissed me off. What really pissed me off is that I'm barely eating anything and injecting HCG in my belly I should be losing. I mean come on starving myself one would think I'd lose weight. Ok so I'm missing the point. I fell off the "big picture" wagon. The number doesn't matter. Anyway I ate so so on Tuesday. I actually ate 900 calories which in reality is so little but on the HCG protocol it's 400 over my daily allowance. Whatever I thought. I'm was so sick and tired of this damn diet.
Then on Wednesday morning I lost and was finally under 130! You would have thought I'd won the lottery. I was so psyched. I was in a great mood yesterday. I stayed on protocol and ate only what was allowed. So was it because I was down or because I've finally turned a corner on Day 21. This has been a long hard road of ups and downs. Whatever the reason I am going with it and hanging onto this mood/attitude. I know it will change. Right? This to shall pass.
So being the over achiever I can be and obsessed with what I'm doing I've been watching videos and reading about the HCG diet. I found this one girl who calls herself the HCGChica and has lots of Youtube videos documenting her journey. I came a cross something called the California Kicker which is supposed to help boost your metabolism and help you lose weight.
So guess what I did?
I tried it this morning. HOLY MOLY!! It's 8 ozs of hot water half a lemon and cayenne pepper. I read different recipes for the amount of cayenne but I used 1 tsp. WOW!! It was hot and spicy and I could barely get it down. But I did!! I'm determined that way. We shall see what it does. It didn't feel good in my stomach either and took a few minuets to stop burning. I feel fine now.
So this morning two girl friends are coming over to have an HCG roundtable discussion with Nick and I. One I'll call Sweet T and the other Lady Red. Both started the HCG diet after Nick and I but we are all in it together and supporting each other. Sweet T hit the ground running and lost quickly but has slowed and is pissed and hungry. Lady Red just started the other day so it's still early. We're gonna talk this morning about the Cali Kicker and other stuff.
Should be interesting.
So let's see, on Tuesday I was up a 1/2 pound and you would have thought I had gained a ton of weight. It pissed me off. What really pissed me off is that I'm barely eating anything and injecting HCG in my belly I should be losing. I mean come on starving myself one would think I'd lose weight. Ok so I'm missing the point. I fell off the "big picture" wagon. The number doesn't matter. Anyway I ate so so on Tuesday. I actually ate 900 calories which in reality is so little but on the HCG protocol it's 400 over my daily allowance. Whatever I thought. I'm was so sick and tired of this damn diet.
Then on Wednesday morning I lost and was finally under 130! You would have thought I'd won the lottery. I was so psyched. I was in a great mood yesterday. I stayed on protocol and ate only what was allowed. So was it because I was down or because I've finally turned a corner on Day 21. This has been a long hard road of ups and downs. Whatever the reason I am going with it and hanging onto this mood/attitude. I know it will change. Right? This to shall pass.
So being the over achiever I can be and obsessed with what I'm doing I've been watching videos and reading about the HCG diet. I found this one girl who calls herself the HCGChica and has lots of Youtube videos documenting her journey. I came a cross something called the California Kicker which is supposed to help boost your metabolism and help you lose weight.
So guess what I did?
I tried it this morning. HOLY MOLY!! It's 8 ozs of hot water half a lemon and cayenne pepper. I read different recipes for the amount of cayenne but I used 1 tsp. WOW!! It was hot and spicy and I could barely get it down. But I did!! I'm determined that way. We shall see what it does. It didn't feel good in my stomach either and took a few minuets to stop burning. I feel fine now.
So this morning two girl friends are coming over to have an HCG roundtable discussion with Nick and I. One I'll call Sweet T and the other Lady Red. Both started the HCG diet after Nick and I but we are all in it together and supporting each other. Sweet T hit the ground running and lost quickly but has slowed and is pissed and hungry. Lady Red just started the other day so it's still early. We're gonna talk this morning about the Cali Kicker and other stuff.
Should be interesting.
Monday, September 9, 2013
Light At The End of the Tunnel
Yesterday was hard. Amazing what a good night sleep can do. I feel much better today. Stronger mentally and emotionally. I've got to take this one day at a time. It's a lot to realize how much I used food in the past. Even unknowingly. Mostly unknowingly. I never realized it because I've always used food and now that I've removed that drug (HCG 500 calorie diet) I'm noticing how much I actually used food.
Food keeps popping into my mind all day long. I fantasize about what I want to eat or what I used to eat to sooth me. I didn't even know that's what I was doing. I'm even dreaming about food. Not abusing it just eating it. I miss my carbs. I miss Pizza and Garlic Rolls. I'm not even thinking about sweets just carbs. I've been eating well. Tonight we had grilled shrimp and veggies on top of field greens. Very tasty and healthy. We are eating so good. It's my mind that feels deprived not my body.
Anxiety. Something I never thought I suffered from. I didn't even really know what it meant. Well apparently I do suffer from anxiety I just don't deal with it the way I thought people dealt with it. I thought if you had anxiety you were scared of something or weak. And you were cowardly. That is not how I would describe myself. But for me I deal with anxiety with anger and irritability. So what I learned is that you either deal with anxiety with a fight or flight mentality. I am the fight version. I put my dukes up and fight. It's all just fear. Sometimes I don't even know what I'm afraid of. Mostly it's just of not getting my way. The kids not obeying. Chris not doing what I think he should do. The good news is I'm finally aware of the anxiety. I can't deal with something I'm not even aware of. So first I become aware, then I accept, then I take action. So now it's time to work on acceptance. Not exactly sure how or what that even looks like but I'm sure God will show me the way.
Stay tuned.
Food keeps popping into my mind all day long. I fantasize about what I want to eat or what I used to eat to sooth me. I didn't even know that's what I was doing. I'm even dreaming about food. Not abusing it just eating it. I miss my carbs. I miss Pizza and Garlic Rolls. I'm not even thinking about sweets just carbs. I've been eating well. Tonight we had grilled shrimp and veggies on top of field greens. Very tasty and healthy. We are eating so good. It's my mind that feels deprived not my body.
Anxiety. Something I never thought I suffered from. I didn't even really know what it meant. Well apparently I do suffer from anxiety I just don't deal with it the way I thought people dealt with it. I thought if you had anxiety you were scared of something or weak. And you were cowardly. That is not how I would describe myself. But for me I deal with anxiety with anger and irritability. So what I learned is that you either deal with anxiety with a fight or flight mentality. I am the fight version. I put my dukes up and fight. It's all just fear. Sometimes I don't even know what I'm afraid of. Mostly it's just of not getting my way. The kids not obeying. Chris not doing what I think he should do. The good news is I'm finally aware of the anxiety. I can't deal with something I'm not even aware of. So first I become aware, then I accept, then I take action. So now it's time to work on acceptance. Not exactly sure how or what that even looks like but I'm sure God will show me the way.
Stay tuned.
Sunday, September 8, 2013
Two Steps Forward One Step Back
I am so weak today. Could be all in my head. How should I know. At this point I don't know what is real and what is made up in my head. I feel weak. But could it be that I'm just sad I can't eat. I had a very healthy steak salad for lunch. I shouldn't be hungry. So I have to assume I'm making it up in my head and I'm making myself feel this way. I've read that what we think about we become. I've read and been told whatever we think about we make happen. Our thoughts are very powerful. Ok I believe that but my question is how do I change the way I think? So much easier said then done.
I am very sad today. I think I'm mourning the fact that I can no longer use food the way I used to. It makes me so sad I feel like crying. But here's the deal....I don't cry!! So now what? I have to learn to cry? Well that just sucks. More pain, more growth. When will it end?
I went out to eat twice this weekend. Friday night with my husband and Saturday night with some girl friends. Both were hard. Hard in the sense that it took a lot of willpower to not eat badly. Friday night was easier because it was just me and Chris. Saturday was harder because it was more of a party atmoshere. I ate well. I wasn't deprived of taste or variety. But here's the deal....I was coveting everyone's plates. I couldn't keep my eyes off their food. That is so messed up in my opinion. I know I shouldn't be so hard on myself. I know I should have compassion for myself. I know I should be kind.
It's just hard.
I come from a "stop complaining, buck up" family mentality. No crying no showing weakness. So when I start to feel weak or vulnerable I get anxious and scared and defensive then I get angry and arrogant and pissed off and I lash out. I'm stuck in a rock and hard place. I want to move past this but I don't know how. Or if I do know how I'm to skeptical to believe it will work. Basically it comes down to a lack of faith. Where is my faith? Why do I choose to live in fear? I am ready to move on I am ready to live in faith.
It feels like the last half of this HCG diet is going to be painfully hard for me. It feels like it will never end. It feels like I am going to have to deal with and experience feelings I'm not comfortable with. It feels like I am going to break in half and fall apart. I DON'T LIKE THIS FEELING!!!
I choose to continue. I choose to grow. I choose to feel my feelings. I choose to believe that God will carry me through.
I choose LOVE.
I am very sad today. I think I'm mourning the fact that I can no longer use food the way I used to. It makes me so sad I feel like crying. But here's the deal....I don't cry!! So now what? I have to learn to cry? Well that just sucks. More pain, more growth. When will it end?
I went out to eat twice this weekend. Friday night with my husband and Saturday night with some girl friends. Both were hard. Hard in the sense that it took a lot of willpower to not eat badly. Friday night was easier because it was just me and Chris. Saturday was harder because it was more of a party atmoshere. I ate well. I wasn't deprived of taste or variety. But here's the deal....I was coveting everyone's plates. I couldn't keep my eyes off their food. That is so messed up in my opinion. I know I shouldn't be so hard on myself. I know I should have compassion for myself. I know I should be kind.
It's just hard.
I come from a "stop complaining, buck up" family mentality. No crying no showing weakness. So when I start to feel weak or vulnerable I get anxious and scared and defensive then I get angry and arrogant and pissed off and I lash out. I'm stuck in a rock and hard place. I want to move past this but I don't know how. Or if I do know how I'm to skeptical to believe it will work. Basically it comes down to a lack of faith. Where is my faith? Why do I choose to live in fear? I am ready to move on I am ready to live in faith.
It feels like the last half of this HCG diet is going to be painfully hard for me. It feels like it will never end. It feels like I am going to have to deal with and experience feelings I'm not comfortable with. It feels like I am going to break in half and fall apart. I DON'T LIKE THIS FEELING!!!
I choose to continue. I choose to grow. I choose to feel my feelings. I choose to believe that God will carry me through.
I choose LOVE.
Friday, September 6, 2013
It's Not About The Food
I'm taking the opportunity while on this HCG diet to really look at my food addiction. I'm reading a new book called It's Not About The Food by Esther Kane. A woman's guide to making peace with food and our bodies.
No Eating after 7 Diet
HCG Drops
SlimPlexus
Various Diet Pills
HCG Injections
WOW that's a lot of diets. One would think I'd be eternally thin. But from what the book says diets are bad for you and you always gain the weight back.
Question 2 - Have any of them worked over the long term?
HELL NO - If they did work there would be no need to keep trying another one. When I think about it logically it pisses me off that I can be so stupid as to think that "this time" will be different. Why would it be different? I'm a binger and I over eat sometimes. I can't control the amount or I won't control the amount of food I eat so I just exercise more to get the weight off. That's called exercise bulimia in case you were wondering. How ridiculous and childish to think a diet would work.
Question 3 - Why do you diet?
Why does anyone diet. To be thin. To be pretty. To be beautiful. To be envied. To feel good about myself. To fit into cute stylish clothes. To be wanted and admired by my husband. To have other men notice me. To have women want to be like me.
YUCK!! Did I say to be healthy? NO!! Did I say to happy? NO!
Well I'm on this journey to let go of all those reasons. I won't lie I'd love to be able to eat anything and everything I wanted and be thin. But that's never gonna happen. There is no magic pill or genie out there that is going to make that outlandish dream come true.
So instead I hope to learn to love myself the way God intended for me to be. I want to be healthy both physically and mentally. I want to be at peace with my body and food. Is that a fantasy? I hope not and I have to believe it's possible to not think about food all day long. I have to believe that God wants me doing something else.
This food addiction is much harder then any other addiction I've dealt with. This is my core addcition. I am so ready to have God remove this obession. I heard in a meeting today that I can't expect God to remove myfood addiction if I am still actively abusing food. I have to be entirely ready to have it removed. I have to trust that God will provide. I have to trust that God will not let me suffer if he removes my food addiction. I think I can believe that, right? I mean God wants whats best for me. God wouldn't let me suffer needlessly. I'm all afraid I won't ever get to eat a brownie again or pizza. That's not God's plan. I have no idea what God's plan is. I'm sure it is better than I can even imagine.
In the book Kane asks some questions and asks the reader to really try and be honest when answering. I really want to get healthy so I am going to follow the authors advice and answer the questions as honestly and thoroughly as I can today.
Question 1 - How many diets have you been on in your life? Well I never really thought about it all at once. If I do I can think of lots of diets I've been on.
Atkins Diet
Sugar Busters
Birmingham Diet
Cabbage Soup Diet
Juice Cleanse
Hot Dog Diet
Weight Watchers
Vegan
RFA
No Sugar Diet
Exercise Bulimia
Eat Right All Week Bad on Weekends
Vegetarian DietNo Eating after 7 Diet
HCG Drops
SlimPlexus
Various Diet Pills
HCG Injections
WOW that's a lot of diets. One would think I'd be eternally thin. But from what the book says diets are bad for you and you always gain the weight back.
Question 2 - Have any of them worked over the long term?
HELL NO - If they did work there would be no need to keep trying another one. When I think about it logically it pisses me off that I can be so stupid as to think that "this time" will be different. Why would it be different? I'm a binger and I over eat sometimes. I can't control the amount or I won't control the amount of food I eat so I just exercise more to get the weight off. That's called exercise bulimia in case you were wondering. How ridiculous and childish to think a diet would work.
Question 3 - Why do you diet?
Why does anyone diet. To be thin. To be pretty. To be beautiful. To be envied. To feel good about myself. To fit into cute stylish clothes. To be wanted and admired by my husband. To have other men notice me. To have women want to be like me.
YUCK!! Did I say to be healthy? NO!! Did I say to happy? NO!
Well I'm on this journey to let go of all those reasons. I won't lie I'd love to be able to eat anything and everything I wanted and be thin. But that's never gonna happen. There is no magic pill or genie out there that is going to make that outlandish dream come true.
So instead I hope to learn to love myself the way God intended for me to be. I want to be healthy both physically and mentally. I want to be at peace with my body and food. Is that a fantasy? I hope not and I have to believe it's possible to not think about food all day long. I have to believe that God wants me doing something else.
This food addiction is much harder then any other addiction I've dealt with. This is my core addcition. I am so ready to have God remove this obession. I heard in a meeting today that I can't expect God to remove myfood addiction if I am still actively abusing food. I have to be entirely ready to have it removed. I have to trust that God will provide. I have to trust that God will not let me suffer if he removes my food addiction. I think I can believe that, right? I mean God wants whats best for me. God wouldn't let me suffer needlessly. I'm all afraid I won't ever get to eat a brownie again or pizza. That's not God's plan. I have no idea what God's plan is. I'm sure it is better than I can even imagine.
I have decided to let go and let God be in charge of my food. I surrender.
And it feels good.
Half Way There
Its day 15 of the diet. I won't lie I'm starving right now. At least that's how I feel. Mind you I did a cycle class this morning and played two sets of tennis. I'm not really suposed to exercise on this diet but I wanted to see my friends and cycle and I love playing tennis on Thursdays it's ALTA.
I've lost 10 lbs. More or less depending on whose scale you use. Either way I'm losing weight. But more importatly I'm losing inches. I'm happy about my progress but I am sick of eating 500 calories. I'm bargaining in my head.....I promise to eat right if I can just eat. I swear I won't binge again. I've learned my lesson and I will eat healthy from now on.
History however shows that I find it hard to eat healthy so what makes this time different. Well for one I'm actaully learning more about my eating habits. I'm reading books on eating disorders. I'm paying attention to what I eat and learning what is good/bad for me. Bottom line if I use food for anything other than nurishing my body I'm going to gain weight. Instead of using food inappropriately I need to look at my feelings and deal with them. Deal with life with motherhood with volunteering with being a wife with everything!!
I'm starting to cave but thank God I have Nick here doing this with me. I just want to eat normally. I keep telling myself I spent $400 and I have to see this through. Only 30 days. I can do anything for 30 days. One Day at A Time.
I wrote this post on the afternoon of September 5, 2013 but got interrupted by motherhood. I'm publishing it on Friday September 6th.
Sunday, September 1, 2013
Losing Weight
Oh how I wish I could get into the habit of writing every day. I think about writing but the action of sitting down and actually doing it takes up time that I don't have right now. Being a mother of 3 I have to take care of my kids before I get time for me. Then when I do get time for me I'm doing all the "mother" things I have to do and when I'm done I want to veg out or sleep.
But today is Sunday and it's raining and one child is on a play date and other two kids are occupied with their electronics, so I get to sit and write.
It's Day 11of our HCG challenge and as of this morning I've lost 11 pounds. My friend Nick has lost 15 lbs. We are both very excited however we approach this challenge very differently. Where Nick is positive and motivated I'm negative and hard headed. I am a very disciplined person and when I set my mind to something I don't quit. If I'm loosey goosey about something then I'll probably quit. I also see things very black and white and I leave absolutely no room for gray. Nick on the other hand lives in the gray. I'm not saying one way is better it takes a combination of both. Balance is the key.
On my journey I've been listening to and reading a lot about food addiction and eating disorders. I know I suffer from both. I hope one day to get past my obsession with food and be able to eat normally. By that I mean not be so concerned with what I eat. I just want to eat healthy and balanced. I don't want to feel deprived but I also don't want to abuse food. It's a very touchy subject and a very difficult addiction. I can't abstain from food like alcohol. I have to eat. I am learning to take it slowly and one day at a time. I have to believe that it's possible to have a healthy relationship with food and not think about it 24/7.
Something I've noticed while on the HCG diet is that I feel less bloated and fluffy. The premise that the fat is released from our bodies and used as energy makes sense. I feel like fat is melting off my arms and legs and abdomen. I feel more tone. I'm muscular by nature but I think my muscles were hidden under a stubborn layer of fat. With the HCG injections that fat is being released and I feel and look thinner. Hopefully once I am done with this 30 day challenge I am able to maintain my new body in a healthy and not an obsessed way. That is my hope.
I've created a mantra to help me get through the difficult times when I feel hungry. You see when I feel hungry I don't know if it's real physical hunger or if it's mental hunger. Do I really need to eat or am I bored, angry, sad, etc. It's very hard for me to differentiate. My mantra is:
I am content. I am satisfied. I have everything I need.
And for today I know I do.
But today is Sunday and it's raining and one child is on a play date and other two kids are occupied with their electronics, so I get to sit and write.
It's Day 11of our HCG challenge and as of this morning I've lost 11 pounds. My friend Nick has lost 15 lbs. We are both very excited however we approach this challenge very differently. Where Nick is positive and motivated I'm negative and hard headed. I am a very disciplined person and when I set my mind to something I don't quit. If I'm loosey goosey about something then I'll probably quit. I also see things very black and white and I leave absolutely no room for gray. Nick on the other hand lives in the gray. I'm not saying one way is better it takes a combination of both. Balance is the key.
On my journey I've been listening to and reading a lot about food addiction and eating disorders. I know I suffer from both. I hope one day to get past my obsession with food and be able to eat normally. By that I mean not be so concerned with what I eat. I just want to eat healthy and balanced. I don't want to feel deprived but I also don't want to abuse food. It's a very touchy subject and a very difficult addiction. I can't abstain from food like alcohol. I have to eat. I am learning to take it slowly and one day at a time. I have to believe that it's possible to have a healthy relationship with food and not think about it 24/7.
Something I've noticed while on the HCG diet is that I feel less bloated and fluffy. The premise that the fat is released from our bodies and used as energy makes sense. I feel like fat is melting off my arms and legs and abdomen. I feel more tone. I'm muscular by nature but I think my muscles were hidden under a stubborn layer of fat. With the HCG injections that fat is being released and I feel and look thinner. Hopefully once I am done with this 30 day challenge I am able to maintain my new body in a healthy and not an obsessed way. That is my hope.
I've created a mantra to help me get through the difficult times when I feel hungry. You see when I feel hungry I don't know if it's real physical hunger or if it's mental hunger. Do I really need to eat or am I bored, angry, sad, etc. It's very hard for me to differentiate. My mantra is:
I am content. I am satisfied. I have everything I need.
And for today I know I do.
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