Mind Games

It's day 2 of the 500 calorie HCG diet. Yesterday was the first day of eating ONLY 500 calories. I won't lie, it was hard. Not physically but mentally. I don't usually eat badly when I'm hungry. I eat badly to medicate my feelings. And most times I am doing it unconsciously.  I had a frustrating day with the kids and I wanted to medicate with food but just knowing I was on this diet and that I couldn't reach for the food was making me even more irritable.

Two days ago was day 2 of our loading days. I ate whatever I wanted. We went for Italian for dinner and I ate lots of pasta and bread and I mean lots. Afterwards we went to Baskin Robbins for dessert and I got a hot fudge sundae. I was extremely uncomfortable after eating all that food. I was ready on Saturday to start the clean eating.

500 calories isn't a lot of food. The philosophy behind the HCG diet is that by taking the shots the stubborn fat held on in my abdomen or thighs or arms will be released into my body and used as energy. Since I'm only eating 500 calories my body will use the released fat as energy to sustain itself. Well at least that's what I hope is going to happen.

Nick and I have tried lots of crazy diets to lose weight. What I'm realizing is that it's not about the weight but about the way I think about food and rely on it to comfort me. I really am tired of losing weight only to gain it back. I'm tired of thinking about food all the time. I'm tired of using food to comfort me. I'm tired of planning my life around my next meal. I want to have a healthy relationship with food. I want to eat what I need to live and not abuse food the way I have in the past.

I know how to exercise to lose weight. I also know what to eat but I choose to not eat healthy and then I suffer the consequences. It's painful making the wrong choices but I just can't stop. I want to stop.

I'm reading the book by Geneen Roth called Women Food and God while I do this diet. I've read this book before but this time I'm doing it while not using food. It's going to be very interesting how the book resonates with me this time as opposed to the last time I read it. It made a lot of sense when I read it and for a while I actually made some healthy changes but they didn't last. I hope it's different this time.