Feeling My Feelings

This is my attempt at feeling my feelings instead of eating them. I'm reading a new book called Eating in the Light of the Moon. Its good and deep and hard to read at times. I am supposed to feel my feelings instead of "use" to avoid them. It's hard stuff feeling your feelings when you don't even know what they are. I first have to identify what I'm feeling then feel it instead of run from it. The feeling I'm most familiar with is anger. Then comes irritability. Those feelings really mask the real ones I'm told.  When I feel overwhelmed with life I eat. When I'm angry I eat. When I'm bored I eat. When I'm tired I eat. When I'm happy I eat. When I feel like sabotaging myself I eat. No one including me is going to tell me what to do. Ridiculous.

So in my head I replay over and over all the things I have/want to do. Taxes, bills, laundry, clean closets, clean drawers, get ready for the garage sale, make doctor appointments, take kids to those appointments, read, sleep, exercise, crochet, go to meetings, pray, meditate, read with my kids, play with my kids, the list goes on and on and on.

It overwhelmes me and I procrastinate and then I'm frozen in fear and anger and irritability and perfectionism and I do nothing and then I eat.

I'm tired of  being on this friggin merry go round. I've been on it so long. I never get fully out of control with my eating that I'm obese but I can get to the place where I am not very happy with my body or myself and then I get angry and irritabile.......and so on and so on....you get the picture.

In January of 2014 I did a 21 day sugar detox. It was awesome. I mean it was hard but I lost weight and I felt and looked great. It lasted until May 2014. I ate some flan and slowly went down hill after that. Here I am again obsessed with food and my weight and other peoples weight and what other people are eating. Sick sick sick.

Perhaps I will always be this way. Perhaps I'm to hard on myself. Perhaps this is just how I am. Who knows? What I do know is that I'm going to keep taking it one day at a time and be gentle and kind to myself. At lease I'm going to try. Progress not perfection. Easy said than done.