How Much Longer?

Some days are easier than others. On some days I think "I've got this!" and other days I'm like "Will this ever end, this is torture!"

Today is the latter. It seems like I've been depriving myself FOREVER! I know it's only been 25 days since starting this HCG diet but it just goes on and on. I am so over it. BUT then again I'm losing weight and that makes me happy. 

What I really truly want is to be free from obsessing about food all the time, to be able to eat sensibly, to be healthy, AND look GOOD. Is that too much to ask?

Just when I think I've got a handle on this food situation I fall back into "this is to hard." I know the answer is GOD it's always GOD. I wish I was more patient to wait on God's timing. Seems like I've been asking God for help forever. I guess that's the point, huh? To always need God. Hmmmm, I've got to chill out. 

Life is hard without food. Or I should say coping with life is hard when I'm not using food to medicate my feelings of being overwhelmed. Or my feelings of anxiety frustration anger. It's just too much. 

I've got one more week on this HCG diet then it's back to eating normally without the strict boundaries. I'm scared of what that will be like. In the past, I have never been able to control my food intake for very long. I can do it for a while but then I crash and burn. I don't want to do that this time. I'm going to have to lean on God more than ever and ask for help.

Last night I ate normally when I took my sister Laura to the airport. We had a nice dinner at a restaurant. I didn't not eat within the HCG boundaries but I also didn't over eat. I was extremely full but I think it's because I'm not used to eating a normal meal since I've been limiting my calorie intake on HCG. I really want to be able to eat normally (whatever that means).

It's Monday. Start of a new week. Here we go.

Ignore the Number

I'm am on a high right now and I'm sure it's partly because of the number on the scale. And I know better than to let that number determine my mood. But it still does. One day hopefully it won't matter what the scale says and my happiness/mood will all depend on how I feel physically instead of how I look. I'm learning throughout this whole journey to stop judging myself and to stop being so critical. Geez I'm human, right?

So let's see, on Tuesday I was up a 1/2 pound and you would have thought I had gained a ton of weight. It pissed me off. What really pissed me off is that I'm barely eating anything and injecting HCG in my belly I should be losing. I mean come on starving myself one would think I'd lose weight. Ok so I'm missing the point. I fell off the "big picture" wagon. The number doesn't matter. Anyway I ate so so on Tuesday. I actually ate 900 calories which in reality is so little but on the HCG protocol it's 400 over my daily allowance. Whatever I thought. I'm was so sick and tired of this damn diet.

Then on Wednesday morning I lost and was finally under 130! You would have thought I'd won the lottery. I was so psyched. I was in a great mood yesterday. I stayed on protocol and ate only what was allowed. So was it because I was down or because I've finally turned a corner on Day 21. This has been a long hard road of ups and downs. Whatever the reason I am going with it and hanging onto this mood/attitude. I know it will change. Right? This to shall pass.

So being the over achiever I can be and obsessed with what I'm doing I've been watching videos and reading about the HCG diet. I found this one girl who calls herself the HCGChica and has lots of Youtube videos documenting her journey. I came a cross something called the California Kicker which is supposed to help boost your metabolism and help you lose weight.

So guess what I did?

I tried it this morning. HOLY MOLY!! It's 8 ozs of hot water half a lemon and cayenne pepper. I read different recipes for the amount of cayenne but I used 1 tsp. WOW!! It was hot and spicy and I could barely get it down. But I did!! I'm determined that way. We shall see what it does. It didn't feel good in my stomach either and took a few minuets to stop burning. I feel fine now.

So this morning two girl friends are coming over to have an HCG roundtable discussion with Nick and I. One I'll call Sweet T and the other Lady Red. Both started the HCG diet after Nick and I but we are all in it together and supporting each other. Sweet T hit the ground running and lost quickly but has slowed and is pissed and hungry. Lady Red just started the other day so it's still early. We're gonna talk this morning about the Cali Kicker and other stuff.

Should be interesting.

Light At The End of the Tunnel

Yesterday was hard. Amazing what a good night sleep can do. I feel much better today. Stronger mentally and emotionally. I've got to take this one day at a time. It's a lot to realize how much I used food in the past. Even unknowingly. Mostly unknowingly. I never realized it because I've always used food and now that I've removed that drug (HCG 500 calorie diet) I'm noticing how much I actually used food.

Food keeps popping into my mind all day long. I fantasize about what I want to eat or what I used to eat to sooth me. I didn't even know that's what I was doing. I'm even dreaming about food. Not abusing it just eating it. I miss my carbs. I miss Pizza and Garlic Rolls.  I'm not even thinking about sweets just carbs. I've been eating well. Tonight we had grilled shrimp and veggies on top of field greens. Very tasty and healthy. We are eating so good. It's my mind that feels deprived not my body.

Anxiety. Something I never thought I suffered from. I didn't even really know what it meant. Well apparently I do suffer from anxiety I just don't deal with it the way I thought people dealt with it. I thought if you had anxiety you were scared of something or weak. And you were cowardly. That is not how I would describe myself. But for me I deal with anxiety with anger and irritability. So what I learned is that you either deal with anxiety with a fight or flight mentality. I am the fight version. I put my dukes up and fight. It's all just fear. Sometimes I don't even know what I'm afraid of. Mostly it's just of not getting my way. The kids not obeying. Chris not doing what I think he should do. The good news is I'm finally aware of the anxiety. I can't deal with something I'm not even aware of. So first I become aware, then I accept, then I take action. So now it's time to work on acceptance. Not exactly sure how or what that even looks like but I'm sure God will show me the way.

Stay tuned.

Two Steps Forward One Step Back

I am so weak today. Could be all in my head. How should I know. At this point I don't know what is real and what is made up in my head. I feel weak. But could it be that I'm just sad I can't eat. I had a very healthy steak salad for lunch. I shouldn't be hungry. So I have to assume I'm making it up in my head and I'm making myself feel this way. I've read that what we think about we become. I've read and been told whatever we think about we make happen. Our thoughts are very powerful. Ok I believe that but my question is how do I change the way I think? So much easier said then done.

I am very sad today. I think I'm mourning the fact that I can no longer use food the way I used to. It makes me so sad I feel like crying. But here's the deal....I don't cry!! So now what? I have to learn to cry? Well that just sucks. More pain, more growth. When will it end?

I went out to eat twice this weekend. Friday night with my husband and Saturday night with some girl friends. Both were hard. Hard in the sense that it took a lot of willpower to not eat badly. Friday night was easier because it was just me and Chris. Saturday was harder because it was more of a party atmoshere. I ate well. I wasn't deprived of taste or variety. But here's the deal....I was coveting everyone's plates. I couldn't keep my eyes off their food. That is so messed up in my opinion. I know I shouldn't be so hard on myself. I know I should have compassion for myself. I know I should be kind.

It's just hard.

I come from a "stop complaining, buck up" family mentality. No crying no showing weakness. So when I start to feel weak or vulnerable I get anxious and scared and defensive then I get angry and arrogant and pissed off and I lash out. I'm stuck in a rock and hard place. I want to move past this but I don't know how. Or if I do know how I'm to skeptical to believe it will work. Basically it comes down to a lack of faith. Where is my faith? Why do I choose to live in fear? I am ready to move on I am ready to live in faith.

It feels like the last half of this HCG diet is going to be painfully hard for me. It feels like it will never end. It feels like I am going to have to deal with and experience feelings I'm not comfortable with. It feels like I am going to break in half and fall apart. I DON'T LIKE THIS FEELING!!!

I choose to continue. I choose to grow. I choose to feel my feelings. I choose to believe that God will carry me through.

I choose LOVE.

It's Not About The Food

I'm taking the opportunity while on this HCG diet to really look at my food addiction. I'm reading a new book called It's Not About The Food by Esther Kane. A woman's guide to making peace with food and our bodies.

In the book Kane asks some questions and asks the reader to really try and be honest when answering. I really want to get healthy so I am going to follow the authors advice and answer the questions as honestly and thoroughly as I can today.

Question 1 - How many diets have you been on in your life? Well I never really thought about it all at once. If I do I can think of lots of diets I've been on.

Atkins Diet

Sugar Busters

Birmingham Diet

Cabbage Soup Diet

Juice Cleanse

Hot Dog Diet

Weight Watchers

Vegan

RFA

No Sugar Diet

Exercise Bulimia

Eat Right All Week Bad on Weekends

Vegetarian Diet
No Eating after 7 Diet
HCG Drops
SlimPlexus
Various Diet Pills
HCG Injections

WOW that's a lot of diets. One would think I'd be eternally thin. But from what the book says diets are bad for you and you always gain the weight back.

Question 2 - Have any of them worked over the long term?
HELL NO - If they did work there would be no need to keep trying another one. When I think about it logically it pisses me off that I can be so stupid as to think that "this time" will be different. Why would it be different? I'm a binger and I over eat sometimes. I can't control the amount or I won't control the amount of food I eat so I just exercise more to get the weight off. That's called exercise bulimia in case you were wondering. How ridiculous and childish to think a diet would work.

Question 3 - Why do you diet?
Why does anyone diet. To be thin. To be pretty. To be beautiful. To be envied. To feel good about myself. To fit into cute stylish clothes. To be wanted and admired by my husband. To have other men notice me. To have women want to be like me.

YUCK!! Did I say to be healthy? NO!! Did I say to happy? NO!

Well I'm on this journey to let go of all those reasons. I won't lie I'd love to be able to eat anything and everything I wanted and be thin. But that's never gonna happen. There is no magic pill or genie out there that is going to make that outlandish dream come true.

So instead I hope to learn to love myself the way God intended for me to be. I want to be healthy both physically and mentally. I want to be at peace with my body and food. Is that a fantasy? I hope not and I have to believe it's possible to not think about food all day long. I have to believe that God wants me doing something else.

This food addiction is much harder then any other addiction I've dealt with. This is my core addcition. I am so ready to have God remove this obession. I heard in a meeting today that I can't expect God to remove myfood addiction if I am still actively abusing food. I have to be entirely ready to have it removed. I have to trust that God will provide. I have to trust that God will not let me suffer if he removes my food addiction. I think I can believe that, right? I mean God wants whats best for me. God wouldn't let me suffer needlessly. I'm all afraid I won't ever get to eat a brownie again or pizza. That's not God's plan. I have no idea what God's plan is. I'm sure it is better than I can even imagine.

I have decided to let go and let God be in charge of my food. I surrender. 

And it feels good.

Half Way There

Its day 15 of the diet. I won't lie I'm starving right now. At least that's how I feel. Mind you I did a cycle class this morning and played two sets of tennis. I'm not really suposed to exercise on this diet but I wanted to see my friends and cycle and I love playing tennis on Thursdays it's ALTA.

I've lost 10 lbs. More or less depending on whose scale you use. Either way I'm losing weight. But more importatly I'm losing inches. I'm happy about my progress but I am sick of eating 500 calories. I'm bargaining in my head.....I promise to eat right if I can just eat. I swear I won't binge again. I've learned my lesson and I will eat healthy from now on.

History however shows that I find it hard to eat healthy so what makes this time different. Well for one I'm actaully learning more about my eating habits. I'm reading books on eating disorders. I'm paying attention to what I eat and learning what is good/bad for me. Bottom line if I use food for anything other than nurishing my body I'm going to gain weight. Instead of using food inappropriately I need to look at my feelings and deal with them. Deal with life with motherhood with volunteering with being a wife with everything!!

I'm starting to cave but thank God I have Nick here doing this with me. I just want to eat normally. I keep telling myself I spent $400 and I have to see this through. Only 30 days. I can do anything for 30 days. One Day at A Time.

I wrote this post on the afternoon of September 5, 2013 but got interrupted by motherhood. I'm publishing it on Friday September 6th.

Losing Weight

Oh how I wish I could get into the habit of writing every day. I think about writing but the action of sitting down and actually doing it takes up time that I don't have right now. Being a mother of 3 I have to take care of my kids before I get time for me. Then when I do get time for me I'm doing all the "mother" things I have to do and when I'm done I want to veg out or sleep.

But today is Sunday and it's raining and one child is on a play date and other two kids are occupied with their electronics, so I get to sit and write.

It's Day 11of our HCG challenge and as of this morning I've lost 11 pounds. My friend Nick has lost 15 lbs. We are both very excited however we approach this challenge very differently. Where Nick is positive and motivated I'm negative and hard headed. I am a very disciplined person and when I set my mind to something I don't quit. If I'm loosey goosey about something then I'll probably quit. I also see things very black and white and I leave absolutely no room for gray. Nick on the other hand lives in the gray. I'm not saying one way is better it takes a combination of both. Balance is the key.

On my journey I've been listening to and reading a lot about food addiction and eating disorders. I know I suffer from both. I hope one day to get past my obsession with food and be able to eat normally. By that I mean not be so concerned with what I eat. I just want to eat healthy and balanced. I don't want to feel deprived but I also don't want to abuse food. It's a very touchy subject and a very difficult addiction. I can't abstain from food like alcohol. I have to eat. I am learning to take it slowly and one day at a time. I have to believe that it's possible to have a healthy relationship with food and not think about it 24/7.

Something I've noticed while on the HCG diet is that I feel less bloated and fluffy. The premise that the fat is released from our bodies and used as energy makes sense. I feel like fat is melting off my arms and legs and abdomen. I feel more tone. I'm muscular by nature but I think my muscles were hidden under a stubborn layer of fat. With the HCG injections that fat is being released and I feel and look thinner. Hopefully once I am done with this 30 day challenge I am able to maintain my new body in a healthy and not an obsessed way. That is my hope.

I've created a mantra to help me get through the difficult times when I feel hungry. You see when I feel hungry I don't know if it's real physical hunger or if it's mental hunger. Do I really need to eat or am I bored, angry, sad, etc. It's very hard for me to differentiate. My mantra is:

I am content. I am satisfied. I have everything I need. 

And for today I know I do.